Resilient Fealty
by Lirulin
Summary: During the walk to Aslan's How, Edmund contemplates High Kings, big brothers and best friends and where they might go to when they are suddenly not there anymore... Loyalty can sometimes hurt quite a lot. This is PC-Movieverse.


**Resilient ****Fealty**

_by Lirulin_

**Disclaimer: **Nothing in here belongs to me, it's all the property of C.S. Lewis and of course Disney and Walden Media. I also don't make any money with it – no one would pay me anyway...

**Author's Notes:** I was rewatching _Prince Caspian_ the other day and one short instance got me thinking. It's after the Pevensies 'meet' Caspian in the woods and are on their way to Aslan's How. I was wondering why Edmund was walking next to Susan, and not with Peter and Caspian. And that's how this story emerged.

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I know I should probably be there in the front, discussing the upcoming battle and our strategy with Peter and Caspian, but somehow I can't. Too much has happened in the past few days and I have to come to grips with the events first. Peter in Narnia is even worse than Peter in England, and that is a nasty realisation. I thought Narnia would make everything right again, but I have obviously been wrong. He is still as angry and as furiously desperate as before.

Where is the High King who met every situation with a power and dignity unparalleled, who was ever generous and gracious and who always put his country first? Where is the big brother who always had a word of advice for me when I needed it and knew just what to say when I was down, who protected me no matter what – even when I couldn't stand it –, who was aware of all my fears and how to allay them? And where is the best friend I could share everything with, who knew me inside out, who I could sit with and just be silent and who I could challenge to a practise match the next instant, who I could simply have fun with? I have no idea where they have gone to and I also don't know how to get them back, no more than I know how to reach the moon.

And so this is why I'm here, next to Susan. I have to put my thoughts in order and for that, Susan is the perfect companion because she is silent as well, from time to time staring at Caspian's back.

I can't exactly recall when my thoughts turned into such a jumbled mess, perhaps it was already back in England, when he pushed me away again, claiming he had it sorted, could do it on his own. Perhaps it was here in Narnia, when he couldn't admit he had lost the way. That's not who Peter is, he who was mostly aware of his limits, could accept advice and own up to his faults. And I wonder what went wrong. Maybe _I_ should have done something differently . . .

But no, blaming myself won't get me anywhere and will help no one. And I can't afford to become melancholy now, Narnia needs me, possibly now more than ever.

So, I believe the gist of the problem is that my heart is at odds with my head. I mean, it's not as if I say it a dozens times a day, but it's a matter of fact that I love Peter more than probably anyone else in the world and I would do almost anything for him without question. However, at the moment I can't help strongly disapproving of his actions and his behaviour.

I don't remember him ever being so short with Lucy as he has been the last two days and his patronising manner of speech yesterday really made me angry. He of all people, who so resents being treated like a kid, should know better than to behave like this. Especially towards Lucy and especially regarding this topic. We all know that Lucy has had a special connection to Aslan from the beginning and often knew more than we did, so why does he start doubting her word now? I'd really like to ask him that, but it's pretty much impossible at the moment. Peter seems to be incapable of listening to anything, much less reason and criticism, and he'd just get angrier than he is anyway.

Why does everything have to be in such a big muddle? Why can't it be easy for once?

You know, I understand Peter, I really do, but then . . . I also don't.

I can understand how hard it is to be treated like a kid again when you've been a king for fifteen years. I mean, I am experiencing the same, I know how annoying it is to not be taken seriously, to be talked down to when you are accustomed to people listening to everything you have to say. I know how difficult it is to accept once again that you have to obey your parents when your word was almost law for such a long time. And I can understand how horrible it must be for Peter to relinquish a large part of the control he had over his own life and to lose the responsibility for a whole nation that he so gladly carried.

But I can't quite understand his solution for coping with those difficulties. Why doesn't he let me and Susan and Lucy in, why doesn't he let us help? Of course, he has always been someone to settle things with himself first, but he's really going too far now. That's what we are here for, to support and help each other when we can't manage alone anymore.

There was a time when we could talk about anything and everything, our fears, our faults and problems, our wishes and were no masks and no evasions between us. He can't have forgotten that, can he?

And if he hasn't forgotten it, he is at least good at repressing it. I can probably count the really meaningful conversations we had in the last year on one hand which, truthfully, hurts a lot. Before, we would oftentimes spend whole nights talking and we used to be so close that we could practically read each others thoughts. Nowadays, I have to be grateful for a greeting in the hallways and I can't even read his body language, much less his thoughts.

The holidays were simply awful, the atmosphere was so tense and we could barely stay together in the same room for an extended period of time. I don't think I was ever awaiting the start of school so eagerly.

And the truly frustrating thing is that I have absolutely no clue how to remedy this intricate situation. It feels as if Peter is completely out of my reach and. . . I have to stop following this line of thought because it really depresses me too much. And I have to be able to concentrate completely and solely on Narnia and her needs, now that her High King is momentarily inavailable, so to speak.

And that is the last point that's seriously bothering me. I don't understand why Peter fails to realise that he can be High King in England as well, just in a different way. I mean, it's not the crown that makes the king but the attitude. Not long after our return to England I learned that I could still live according to the principles I had developed for myself here in Narnia. I could still strive to treat everyone equally, to be generous and fair in my judgements of others, to help those in need and to protect those I love, though of course in a modified form. And I realised that it doesn't matter how people treat me, but how I react to it and how I think about it.

I can choose to accept the circumstances and view them as challenges that are just clothed differently and appear in another context than those we had to face as kings and queens. Meeting these challenges head-on, not shying away from them and not denying the fact that things _have _changed has helped me grow as a person and has made me stronger. I can be the kid the adults expect me to be while at the same time remaining a king on the inside.

I had thought, had hoped that Peter would perhaps see it the same way. But he doesn't and I don't know how to help him because he simply will not let me.

I wonder how the upcoming war will turn out, with Peter being in this frame of mind, lashing out at anything and everyone. I have to admit I am a bit afraid. He could be rash and impulsive at times, but this was normally tempered by a solid knowledge of the situation, of his abilities and those of the people around him. Now I can't foretell what he will do, when he is so fraught, and thrust into a Narnia that is so different from the one we knew.

Yet, regardless of what he decides, I know what _I_ will do. I cannot recognise him at present, but he is still my High King, my big brother and my best friend, and I will follow him, always. Even though my _Peter_ is not there at the moment.

**The End**

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So, I hope you liked it. Please let me know what you think about this little piece because it's my first Narnia story (apart from a small drabble) and I'm honestly a bit nervous about it.


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